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This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?





Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Tapas! (Slightly Australian Edition)

I dreamed ...

that I had a marsupial pouch. Less fun than you'd expect.

that after having an angry exchange with my MIL, I started sticking panty liners to the soles of my boots before leaving the house. I'll show her.

that a little girl was pouring cookie crumbs into my shoe. I didn't like that kid.

that my glasses broke into useless bits right before a big night out of karaoke, and I'd just given birth four days earlier (which I kept mentioning to everyone, all the time). I somehow blurrily made it to the venue, but once there, I realized it wasn't karaoke, it was some sort of show where the seats moved all around the theater - in Australia. At this point, nothing else was on my mind except for how I ended up in Australia when I don't even have a passport.

~~~~~

E-mails from my ex:

"Yesterday, [6-year-old]'s homework was to draw a picture of something related to fire safety. So he drew a picture of his school on fire. Also (and this was an especially nice touch) there was a gravestone in front of the school that said "R.I.P. Kid"--he said it was a boy who died in the fire. So they buried him right there, presumably as the fire continued to rage."

 

The last time I talked to this son on the phone, he informed me that petting dogs was not a real job.
He is the dasher of dreams.


"It was 94 degrees yesterday, and [5-year-old] insisted on wearing shorts a size too small, as well as his fleece jacket, zipped up. He finally took it off after a few hours, because he said his legs were getting sweaty."

"
I think someone should write a sketch about if Windows 8 were a waiter at a restaurant. Constantly bringing the wrong food. Intentionally knocking forks out of patrons' hands. Trying to shove unwanted food into every open mouth. Stuff like that."

~~~~~

Also, for your viewing pleasure - and to keep things fair by posting a picture my younger son drew:
 

Look at the schadenfreude evident in the face of the hammer-wielder.
Let's also talk about the fact that this is the same child who said during a phone conversation, "Hitler was a powerful man. But you are not dead."

Have you ever heard a more disturbingly German pep talk from a 5-year-old before?
Probably not in English.

~~~~~

Here's something I did on Omegle when the guy I was talking to took a phone call.

That last bit was me trying to lip-read.
~~~~~

And finally, here is the lone Omegle experience I attempted during Drunk Fest:
Crunk Frest only happens when it snows.

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4 comments:

Dogs On Drugs said...

That is a disturbingly German thing to say. I'd ask your son if he can account for his whereabouts during the early 40's. Oh, he can't? Hmmm...

Unknown said...

Some questions are better left unasked.

Besides, 90% of the time he's just telling me I'm cute and sweet, so I'm definitely safe.

Unknown said...

I hope the fire picture gets framed and matted. It could tie together any room. I totally love it.

That was also wayyyyyyyyyyy more Australian than I was lead to believe.

Unknown said...

I didn't even realize how often Australia was involved until the whole thing was put together.

I personally think the hammer picture could tie together a room like gangbusters.