This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I Play Sims 2 (part3)

I see you're wearing your job search kimono - and not a moment too soon, we'll be needing more money for a bigger place.
That's it - the very morning you move into the new house, shove that hand in the dirt and find a man in a sweater to date.
I'm sure if you tried, you could move faster.
Yes, I know. Too much grilled cheese can be binding.
Well, at least Geneva didn't let a floor baby disturb her brunch.
It's good that you're hosing her down, though. Let's call her Maura.
No need to look thoroughly depressed, I'm sure she'll eventually grow some hair.
Why the hell is everyone so bummed out? You have a nice, mature, child's bun now, Maura. Cheer up.
Ah, pretty pretty teenaged Maura. People might almost forget I named you terribly.
*sigh* Only a Maura would dance like that.
Melissa, you're old! What will you do with yourself now?
I'm not sure messing around with that lamp is a groovy idea.
"Fuck this shit" is exactly the stance I would have taken. You're a smart old lady.
Maura. Sounds like a cow mooing "Laura".
Yeah, I just now realized it, too.
Hey, there's a guy in a hat hanging around, have you met him yet?
Oh, I see you have. It seems like just mere minutes ago you didn't even exist.
Now Melissa is dead?! You can't even pass out drunk without all sorts of shit going down.
Yes, Geneva - I'm aware of you.
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Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I Play Sims 2 (part2)

Well, look at how pregnant you are, you little slut.
Let's call her Melissa.
They grow up so fast and festive these days.
That hair is not putting me a party mood, though.
You're a child now! Time to do your homework!
Once that dog I told you not to talk to finishes eating it.
Meanwhile, I've decided you're going to be immortal, Geneva - so start juicing.
Also, quit it with the fires, you're irritating the whole department.
And no more flopping your grilling meats around. That's irritating me.
Plus, you've got to stop staring at the pasta. The neighbors are starting to talk.
Melissa's a teenager now! Time for her to make some friends, I guess.
Maybe one with a less curious nature.
Screw it, just turn into an adult and have a nervous breakdown like everyone else.
I know a guy who can give you a great face sanding that'll fix you right up.
See? All we have to do is get you wearing something that won't attract the wrong kind of Sim.
Now get downtown and find a man.
But try doing something other than stuffing cookies into your face with a random old lady.
Yeah, I suppose that qualifies as something different.

I Play Sims 2 (part3)
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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

I Don't Know How She Does It

Ugh. Okay, I think when my best friend Bunny Walker recommended I watch and review a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker in it, she was thinking the main issue I'd have is the hatred I used to harbor for her based on my scorching Matthew Broderick crush - but I've grown out of that. Way out of it.

You see, my best friend's favorite reviews of mine involve films I despise - and even without still obsessing over SJP's husbro, being forced to watch something she's in is a pretty safe bet I'll volunteer to throw a rock at my television and quit the planet for the evening.

But I love my Bunny Walker, and I'll do almost anything she asks, except watch this damnable thing a second time.

Allow me to heave a sigh and get started.

First thing's first - as Netflix took its time loading, this is the image it offered me as I waited:

It felt like I was looking into a mirror that turned me into Sarah Jessica Parker, and I was pleading with myself not to go through with it. I didn't listen. I never heed the warnings of my heart.

Kate (SJP) and Richard Reddy (Greg Kinnear) are working married parents who haven't yet figured out that it's no longer the 60s and that everything involving the house and children isn't momma's sole responsibility. I mean fuck - when was the critically acclaimed novel this film was based on written? Oh, just 2003. Back when girls were girls and men were men. Those were the d--well, maybe the book was better. I pray it was.

None of the characters were truly likeable. Kate Reddy's friend Allison (Christina Hendricks) was tolerable most of the time. Digestible, even. Everyone else gave me gas.

As you can guess, Kate tries to have it all, and does none of it as well as it could be done. Man, when was the last time I ran across this theme? You mean to tell me every single story about a working mother is this same boring, predictable, gender role stereotyping, corny bullshit? No wonder I'm holding a fistful of my own hair.

At least this movie had totally different and innovative stuff in it, like misunderstandings involving e-mails sent to the wrong person, grass-is-always-greener moments, judgmental mother-in-laws, snarky fellow mothers, getting-it-right-alright musical montages and freeze-frame fourth wall bashing - plus really clever crap like calling yourself a "giant, un-tweezed eyebrow". Ahahahahaha. Ha.

I almost gave up completely when Kate Reddy was questioned about a spot on her blazer and she responded by tasting it. Tasting it. What ever happened to smelling things?! I have two kids and there is no way I could be convinced to put my mouth on a mysterious stain - I don't care if I even had a pretty darn good hunch it was made entirely of squished pot brownies - I am not just throwing it willy-nilly against my tongue, not even for comedy.

What is there really to say about this film? It just sucked. I mean, it wasn't even so bad it was good. It was just ... there ... doing all the things that irritate you into needing a nap. It was like a forced two-hour coffee date with a guy who thinks fart jokes are hilarious. You just want it to end, and don't really much feel like talking about it later. So, how did it end? I don't fucking care, and it doesn't even matter. I'm just glad it's over.

So there you go. Don't watch this. Do anything else on Earth.

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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

I Play Sims 2 (part1)

I started playing Sims 2 again recently - wait, I mean obsessively - because I'm on a borrowed laptop that wouldn't cheerfully run Sims 3 and would definitely be ticked off if I tried to run Sims 4 on it. I kind of needed something to do with my depressed self, other than sitting on my bed waiting for Autumn to fully hit, or for someone to take their Words With Friends turn.

When I was writing stories with Sims 3, I used a lot of cheats, so I could concentrate on trying to capture something worth talking about. This time, other than an initial money cheat to get my family started, I haven't used any - which is fulfilling in the same type of way that experiencing ducks trying to peck you to death is good at passing the time.

I did have a moment of panic when I couldn't figure out where in the fuck the pictures saved to. Once I found them, I had several moments of agitation when I realized they do not save in the order you take them. But I am nothing if not completely unwilling to give up on something irritating and pointless, so here we are. Let's see where it goes.

Meet Geneva Becker. Like me, she enjoys sandwiches.

She's also slightly crackers - another thing we have in common.
Unlike me, she searches for men right outside her front door. I just get on the internet for that shit.
As it turns out, this fella is some sort of boobie-grabbing sourpuss ...
... which is why she didn't share any of her sandwiches with him. You just stay on that couch, jerky.
Geneva appears to be using the sign for "cup" - I suspect because it's quicker than finger spelling "vodka".
This was going to be my next suggestion, heading to a night club where the decor is
seizure-inducing and ... all the models in the paintings have apple heads.
All that's left to do now is have an exciting bowl of chili while the other patrons try out
some experimental handshakes ... and wait for the right man to show up.
I've spotted him! Get your ass outside, Geneva, this is your guy.
I betcha his name is Venkat Custer. He looks like a Venkat Custer if I ever saw one.
It's time to hear what this gentleman has to say about butter.
Those must have been some compelling opinions. He probably even threw in some
ideas about bagels, since she's trying to break him with her love.
I almost can't stand to watch, either.
Oh awesome, this tree is on fire.
Now that tree is on fire.
The kitchen's on fire, too - and a chef came to visit for some arcane reason.
They need to rename this game "Sims 2 - Everything's On Fire And So Are You".

I Play Sims 2 (part2)
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